As Neil Sedaka sang, breaking up is hard to do. Breakups hurt, and they can take more time than most of us would like to admit getting over. While there’s nothing wrong with taking all the time you need to heal, there is a myriad of things you should never do after a breakup to promote healing, according to relationship experts. Here are 20 things to never do after a breakup!
Here’s a look at the 20 things to never do after a breakup.
“Because of the swirling of emotions and intensity of them, it is critical to react to the breakup in purposeful and healthy ways,” notes Juliana Morris, PhD, marriage and family therapist and licensed professional counselor. “Avoid unhealthy coping skills, as even though they may bring temporary relief and release, it will not be permanent and often adds new problems to the emotional roller coaster you are on.”
Don’t ask for another chance
Of course, you miss your ex and may still be in shock about the breakup but getting over a breakup means not pleading for a do-over.
So many times, people feel compelled to giving into feelings of missing the good aspects of that person that they start the dreadful rollercoaster status of on again, off again.
Granted sometimes in a blue moon, couples do get back together for a while but if you haven’t done the deep work of understanding why you keep having conflict to the point of breaking up – nothing will ever change.
“If you feel compelled to do so, examine your motivation,” says Jonathan Alpert, a psychotherapist, Huffington Post blogger, and author of Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days. “Do you miss your ex specifically, or do you miss the idea of having a partner? The two are very different,” he adds.
Let that sleeping dog lie!
Don’t call or text
Any contact with your ex reinforces and strengthens your attachment, and impedes your recovery, according to Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, dating coach, founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling & Coaching, author of Exaholics and host of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast. “An important step in healing is to remove your ex from your physical and digital world,” she says.
Aim to go at least 30 days without contacting your ex if you want to start getting over a breakup. Thirty days will become 40, then 50…and by then, chances are you’ll be feeling much better and have some additional clarity.
Don’t seek revenge
It’s natural to feel the desire to lash out at your ex, directly or indirectly, explains, Ili Rivera Walter, PhD, LMFT, and professor of marriage and family therapy, but it’s not smart to actually do so.
“When those feelings arise, take a deep breath and ask your higher self:
1) Is it worth sitting in the negative energy of revenge?
2) Is revenge consistent with who you want to be?
3) How will this serve me, now, or in the future?” she says.
“When seeking revenge, dig two graves.”
The best revenge is living well. Period.
Don’t date (or marry!) the next person you meet
With revenge still on the mind, and in the heart, it’s very easy to want to replace the missing limb but resist, advises April Masini, a New York-based relationship and etiquette expert.
“After a painful breakup, being single for a while is the best way to ensure that your next relationship is not impulsive, haphazard, and doomed for a repeat breakup,” she says. “Take some time to process what happened and where things didn’t go as you had hoped—and what you want to do differently next time,” she says.
Don’t Overdo it on the partying
Sure, it’s tempting to drown your sorrows to get over a breakup, but that’s a mistake.
“Some people are looking for validation that they’re still attractive or sexy,” says Jenn Mann, PhD, author of The Relationship Fix: Dr. Jenn’s 6-Step Guide to Improving Communication, Connection & Intimacy.
But right after a breakup, if you start drinking, flirting, or partying, well, all those things are distractions from the grieving process.
“If we don’t take time to grieve and don’t work on ourselves, we are doomed in our next relationship,” she says.
Don’t catastrophize it
Breakups are not fun, but they’re also not the end of the world.
When times feel tough, Morris recommends giving yourself a little tough love.
“Don’t let the intensity of the feelings make you start doubting yourself, using ‘never’ statements and swearing off dating and love ‘forever,’” Morris says.
“It is hard and heartbreaking but you will get over it and move on and you will soon feel better.”
Don’t avoid the pain
To get over a breakup, you may try to avoid your hurt and pain because it’s just too devastating. But you can’t recover from the relationship when you avoid it. Morris warns not to tamp down or avoid your feelings.
“Do not expect your emotions to happen in some kind of organized, cookie-cutter way—they will arise at unexpected and perhaps inconvenient times and ways,” she says.
“Allow the range of sadness, hurt, anger, frustration, celebration, fear, even hate come to you; face them, experience them and move through them.”
After the breakup, Walter suggests taking an hour or two to “break up” digitally.
This includes switching passwords on any social media platforms your ex may have known, closing down any joint accounts, and removing stored phone numbers. “Keeping tabs on your ex on social media will keep you stuck in emotional turmoil much longer than necessary,” she says.
“Make a clean break as soon as possible and set yourself free.”
A number of people do use social media as an outlet to express their sadness and disappointment, call out partners for bad behavior and more.
This can be useful because let’s face it, misery loves company, and a lot of people are going through the same thing and want to talk about it.
Just be mindful not to mention names or any other disclosing information especially if you’re going into extreme details. You don’t want them to get wind of it and potentially have more serious problems.
Think Amber Heard writing the Op-ed about Johnny Depp. She never mentioned his name, but everyone knew she was describing him.
Social media is great for sharing but don’t share overly intimate details on it.
Don’t kiss and tell
When it comes to bad-mouthing your ex, zip it. That’s not the right move for getting over a breakup. “Trash talk reflects more on you than it does on your ex,” says Masini. It’s not polite, attractive, or productive. “It drags you down into the mud when what you need is to rise above.”
Even though you’re hurting, try to be the bigger person by staying silent about your ex.
The exception to the rule? You can, of course, confide in your close friends and family.
Don’t beat yourself up
Don’t be too hard on yourself when you’re getting over a breakup, advises Guy Winch, PhD, a Psychology Today contributor. “Remember that your ego and self-esteem are already hurting—don’t make it worse,” says Winch.
“Be as compassionate toward yourself as you would be to a friend whose heart had just been broken,” he says.
If you are struggling to move on or wish for some outside clarity from someone who doesn’t know your ex, consider talking with a therapist.
Don’t stay home
It’s so easy to wallow in self-pity and check your phone every 30 seconds hoping your ex will text, begging to start fresh. However, many experts believe keeping yourself busy is a great way to get over a breakup. “Find at least two, and up to five, things that you can do every single day for yourself that make you feel great, and that help you fill your time,” says Bonny Albo,dating expert.
“Keeping busy, even if it is a bit cliché, does help, and soon enough you’ll have so many new things going on that you truly love and are passionate about, you won’t even have time to think about your ex.”
Don’t lose sight of who you are as an individual
Embrace your “me” time, and cultivate your interests as an individual, as you gradually move on from the relationship. “After you regroup from the loss, have fun in your singleness and learn to establish yourself without the relationship.
Take a class to enhance yourself as a person,” says Felicia Pressley, PhD, LPC-S, assistant professor in the counseling department at Argosy University in Washington, D.C. “Now’s the time to learn a new language, join a swim club, or cook—solo.”
Perhaps you’ll meet a new friend or a love interest in your yoga, cooking, or kickboxing class!
Don’t neglect any responsibility
No one wants to feel like it was their fault that a relationship perished, but the reality is that relationships are a two-way street. “Although the other person may be mainly at fault, they are not solely responsible for the end of the relationship,” says Morris.
Consider examining your part in the breakup to help you figure out what lessons you can take away from it all. Instead of blaming the other person and quickly moving on, David Klow, a licensed marriage and family therapist, owner of Skylight Counseling Center, and the author of You Are Not Crazy, recommends doing a self-assessment and learning about your role in relationships.
Don’t be a hater
At the end of the day, your ex is a human who is trying to figure out their own life.
Release yourself from pain and resentment. “You don’t have to wish rainbows and a hot new romantic partner to your ex but tap into the love you have for that person and use that goodness to help you move into happiness yourself,” says Morris.
This positive energy will be useful for your healing too.
Don’t turn to alcohol or other substances
“Any external coping mechanism, such as the over-use of food, drugs, alcohol, or sex, only numbs the emotional pain of the breakup,” warns Walter. “Substance use also goes hand-in-hand with additional risks, such as potential criminal charges, increased substance dependence, sexually transmitted infections, and victimization, among others.”
Don’t see the relationship as a failure
We all fall for a person for different reasons. Just because it didn’t work out doesn’t mean it was a giant mistake. “If you connected to this person, were vulnerable enough to connect in a way where you felt loved and gave love, it was not a failure,” says Morris.
“See the purpose and need for the relationship to be completed and how it served you as much as was needed.”
Don’t start a restricting diet
Unless this is a diet you were planning on trying before the breakup, why start it now? “You’ll only binge later to make up for the calories that you’re depriving yourself of now,” says Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., certified sex therapist and author of Getting the Sex You Want.”
Now is not the time for deprivation. Instead, you deserve something fulfilling and tasty.
Don’t over idolize your ex
In acute relationship withdrawal, it’s easy to over idealize your ex and focus solely on the positive parts of the relationship, explains Bobby.
But she warns that this is a big mistake. “All relationships are a mixed bag, and at the very least…you loved a person who did not love you back the same way,” she says.
“Remind yourself that love and attraction are complex and just because your ex didn’t feel the same way about you does not mean you’re not worthy of love and respect.”
Don’t jet off somewhere spontaneously
“It might be tempting to jump on a plane and take some time in some romantic-sounding citadel exploring beach resort, but exploring the jungle seems is not a good way to heal,” says Nelson. This only distracts you for so long until you’re back at home.
In other words, it only delays the healing temporarily. “Stay home and watch documentaries instead—you’ll avoid having to get shots and waking up without your mosquito netting,” she says.
With these tips hopefully you’ll be on the road to healing the pain of the breakup. Everything takes time and as painful as it is, try not to keep picking at old wounds it only delays the inevitable. It’s also important to remember that you WILL eventually heal and move onto something better!
Break free from negative relationship patterns and finally heal from your breakup!
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