Last Updated 3 months by Emily Standley-Allard
If you’ve ever tried having an intimate relationship with a narcissist you realize how frustrating and impossible it is. No matter how hard you try to love them you’re letting your love go to waste. It’s not going to work. It doesn’t matter how hard you try or how much you believe in their potential, they make it impossible. It may not be their intention, but a narcissist lacks the very foundations of a healthy intimate relationship which makes it impossible to establish trust and an equal power dynamic.
Despite appearing like the most charming, gregarious and giving people, especially in the beginning. A narcissists’ traits ultimately reveal themselves and prevent them from actually being able to genuinely care and nurture an intimate relationship, which results in a toxic, manipulative, and draining one instead.
But here are 6 specific reasons why a relationship with a narcissist will bring you more grief than it’s worth.
It’s Their World, and Always Will Be
Narcissists have a really skewed view of reality where they’re at the center of it and everyone else has just been placed on this earth to cater to their needs. With narcissists, you’re either with them or against them and if you dare to call them out on anything they do, they have no problem turning on you.
No matter how many nice things you have done for them in the past, everything will be erased if you decide to call them out.
Basically, they’re missing a key ingredient in an intimate relationship and that is truly genuine care.
They may care about you in their own way, but the care they feel for themselves trumps that every time.
Your needs are always going to be of second priority to their own.
Not only that, but they will find ways to guilt you into putting their needs above your own too. This makes it impossible to have equal give and take and leaves you feeling empty.
No Sense of Empathy
You know why narcissists always try to turn the tables on you?
It’s because they are incapable of viewing any situation from your eyes. Instead, they immediately jump to their own defense even if it’s at the cost of making you doubt and rethink your own recollections and perspective.
Narcissists also have no boundaries when it comes to maintaining their power and protecting themselves.
That means that they don’t mind resorting to pettiness, aggression, revenge, or even humiliation to get their way and come out on top.
Just as they have the ability to charm you into feeling like you are their whole world just to get what they want; they know exactly how to break you down from the inside and they use the exact words and actions that they know will hurt you most.
They Love to Blame-shift
A narcissist is great at blameshifting. Instead of potentially thinking something could possibly be their fault, they immediately blame others.
They cannot turn the microscope of introspection on themselves because they are perfect.
A narc typically doesn’t believe in therapy, or rehabilitation because they see themselves as superior even to a professional.
They assume they’re always right and that even the people who are there to help aren’t as smart, so it’s useless to waste time and money to utilize them.
It’s ironic but narcissists will say things like “you’re just like everyone else, I thought you were different” never realizing that maybe it’s not you and everyone else that’s the problem, but that they should take a hard look at themselves.
The worst part is that even when they know they’re wrong they’ll continue to refuse to take accountability just so they don’t have to admit to it and apologize.
If they do manage to apologize it’s often calculated and a means for them to get what they want or get back on your good side so that they can continue to use you as their supply.
Responsibility? What is that?
Narcissists would rather lie their teeth off than take responsibility for something they clearly have done.
“No one gets angrier than a narcissist that gets called out on something they have done.”
They will deny events that you have witnessed with your own eyes, put words in your mouth and confuse you by talking so much (diversion technique) that you don’t even remember what it is that you wanted them to take responsibility for.
Taking responsibility means owning up to a mistake and attempting to fix it and change it.
This is work that narcissists simply don’t want to put the effort into. Instead expect to go in circles time after time again over the same issue, only for it to escalate more and more each time.
This is not healthy conflict resolution and why it’s impossible to have an intimate relationship with a narcissist.
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Vulnerability Is a Weakness
Vulnerability is an integral part of any relationship. For two people to find each other and fall in love, they have to make themselves vulnerable to getting hurt.
That means giving up some of their power and control in the name of love. However, narcissists can’t stand the idea of losing control so instead, they see vulnerability as a weakness rather than the key to deeper intimacy.
They pretend to be vulnerable just enough to earn trust and then use the very same vulnerable information you shared with them against you.
Be very careful what you reveal or share with a narcissist.
Their Way or the Highway
By now you probably see why an intimate relationship with a narcissist doesn’t work. They may not realize it, but narcissists end up in relationships where they neglect their partners’ needs, manipulate them into thinking everything is their fault and suck them dry like vampires.
At the end of the day neglect, manipulation and love simply can’t coexist.
They are simply stuck in a state of entitlement and believe that things should always go their way.
Although this is due to their fragile self-esteem and need to be taken care of and validated, it is not your job to make sure all their needs are met, especially when they’re not going through the same effort for you, whereas a healthy person would.
“Don’t set yourself on fire just to keep someone else warm.” – Penny Reid
If you have a narcissist in your life and are looking for ways to protect your energy or detach from them permanently learn more here.